Those of you who read this column on a regular basis will know it is normally written by Lance Eastman, the local vet in the bay. You may recall that a dog called Breeze once wrote something when Lance was too unwell to write anything.
At this point I should point out that I am a cat called Radish (Yes that is my name, do you have a problem with it?). I live with Breeze and have servants, Jacqueline and Lance, who are both vets. Now, you would think having two vets as household servants would mean I have exceptional care, but this is simply not true; I will come back to this in a minute.
Before I tell you about the abuse I suffer I would like to point out that Breeze is by no means intelligent as she makes out. She wrote an article about the joys of lying in a puddle for crying out loud. When did you last see a cat wallowing in a muddy puddle? I put it to you that the thickest, most stupid cat is still much brighter than the smartest dog, and Breeze is by no means the smartest dog.
Now back to my mistreatment at the hands of my servants. I have a beautiful ginger coat that I am very proud of it. Now, my servants want to brush it but I am not having any of that carry on. I really don't mind the odd dreadlock. It's the Rastafarian cat look I'm going for.
Now comes the cat abuse bit. One of my servants picks me up one day while the other heads towards me. Previous experience tells me that when they gang up on me it is never good news. Sometimes it is to squirt that horrible flea treatment on me but this time they jabbed me with a needle.
I was so angry. I make this very clear but they simply didn't care. The next bit is scary. My eyes get really heavy I need to stay awake but I simply couldn't.
I have no memory of what happened next but when I awake my entire coat has been SHAVED OFF. I looked like some kind of weird poodle, it was humiliating, and a little draughty in places.
I am sure what my servants have done must be illegal. They drugged me without my permission then shaved off my beautiful coat.
For any cats reading this article, if you are taken to the vet clinic and meet my treacherous servants, then explain that this behaviour is unacceptable. The best way to do this is, when they give you a pat with that condescending "who’s a nice kitty cat," bite that hand with all your might. Us cats must stick together.
I would say the same for the dogs but we all know dogs can't read.
My name is Lance Eastman and I am the local vet here in Blockhouse Bay.
I first started working in the Bay in 1997 and tried to escape overseas for awhile but eventually ended up back where I started.
I did return with a Scottish wife, Jacqueline who is also a vet and my business partner at the clinic.
I have been writing articles on matters related to pets for over ten years now. Sometimes I run out of ideas and get my dog "Breeze" or my cat "Radish" to write something for me. Most people prefer to read these articles over what I write but it can be hard to motivate your pets to write sometimes.